knowing now.
I oftentimes think about my age. Being in my mid-twenties now, I remember I had so many expectations for this time. Maybe I would have been married by now, in a career I’m passionate about and doing well in. I’d have a space that I could create into a home and life wouldn’t be perfect but I would have succeeded in some element. I used to think that I would know I had won by who I was with. Having a hand to hold seemed to be the highest importance for most of my life. So I focused on being whatever version of myself everyone felt safe with. I’d mirror the energy people gave me and slowly became fragmented pieces of them too. Don’t get me wrong, in the right situation and proper limits I think this characteristic is admirable. I can provide a space for people to love and be loved. To feel like themselves and hopefully, feel seen by that.
I love people and relationships and the intricacies of each of them. I’ve had a spectrum of experiences to know that I didn’t always do it right. Imperfection and triggers from my own past were the things that stunted a lot of my growth.
Until very recently, I used to think that if the love I gave to people was not reciprocated then I had to take it as a challenge to convince them of my worth. Most of us do this, think it’s our responsibility to show another how worthy we are of being treated well. I am learning now, that I have done it all wrong. I am forgiving myself for looking for places where I wasn’t loved instead of being at home with myself.
I am also learning that being empathetic without limits is absolutely self-destruction. I am someone that seeks to understand fully. I want to know why someone does what they do and I want to hear how they need to be loved in that process. I have been wildly hurt in that because I had zero limits. I was anxious and insecure and so frustrated that I put myself there. Sometimes people are just hurtful and I don’t have to understand why to know that they are. I am learning now that having a heart that is expansive and bold is best served with boundaries.
My expectations had been wrapped in a time of my life where I measured success by a bank account number, who I was with, or the way I was perceived. My mid-twenties have been kind of a dumpster fire as far as those specific requirements go. But I’ll take all of this for what I am trying to understand. That being 25 is young and joyful and painful and confusing. Most ages are, but the better part of this is I love this person I am getting to know now. Messy and often embarrassing, but driven and kind. So regardless if you are 25 or 85, success is in the learning and I hope you are taking time to find lessons in the everyday. I hope you are gracious with who you are getting to know now.
